Extreme authority could make your teenager dull

Back in the time of dictatorial parenting, obedience was the priority. Parents expected their children to obey and follow their orders. Times have changed; the twenty first century teenager is somewhat different from one who grew up in the 90s.

Unlike in the 90s when parents and teachers in schools were seen as small gods, here, you notice your teenage daughter or son answer your questions with a sullen “Yes” or “No.”

You like to escort your child to school, but he begins to reject that and wants to travel to school of their own.

Gorreti Mbabazi, a single mother is the kind that wants to control her daughter’s movement. She drove her daughter to school at the beginning of every term, and was always in time to pick her up from school at the end of the term.

However, when her daughter turned 14, in senior two, she started throwing tantrums and would reject whenever Mbabazi offered to take her to school.

“She asked if she could go to school on her own, but being a tough woman, I did not want her to mess up along the way, so I insisted on driving her to school. This affected our relationship,” Mbabazi says.

Mbabazi did not only reject her daughter’s plea, but also started monitoring her movements.

“I would shout at her whenever she delayed at her friends’ place,” Mbabazi says.

All of a sudden, her daughter’s academic performance begun to deteriorate.

“She used to be among the best ten in her class, but when she returned from her first term in senior two, she was number thirty,” she says.

When Mbabazi contacted the school authority’s about her daughter’s performance, she was told that her daughter had joined a group of girls who do not attend class, but rather spend most of their time gossiping.

Mbabazi’s daughter is not alone, Keneth Kamurali, a 16 year old is bothered by his mother’s autocratic control.

“My mother still looks at me like a five year old and wants to control my every move. She will not let me stay with my friends for long. While at she, she calls my teachers to find out how am fairing,” Kamurali says.

Habits that teenagers develop while at school

Sr. Gladys Kachope, the Head Teacher, Immaculate Heart Girl’s Secondary School says students especially those in senior two tend to be problematic.

“They begin to engage in habits like gossiping, fighting, disrespecting their teachers, among others,” Kachope says.

She says the school organizes retreats every term and themes are chosen according to the situation and the behaviors among the students.

“During these retreats, students meet professional counselors as well as religious leaders, who counsel and guide them to follow the right path,” she says.

Conversely, Augustine Muserero, the Head Teacher of Kilembe Mines Secondary school, says that it being a day mixed school, students tend to engage in more dangerous habits such as betting, escaping from school, and some of them dodge lessons.

“We usually do not have control over students after they have left school in the evening and some of them end up engaging in bad habits,” he says.

Muserero says that students who escape from school are suspended from school and told to return with their parents for a counseling session.

“In other cases, we punish these students with labour for example cleaning the school compound, and slashing,” he says.

How well can a parents deal with their teenagers’ new behaviors

Prof. Paul Nyende a Psychologist at Makerere University says that it is natural and important for children to break away from their parents, during adolescence.

“This emotional separation enables them to become adults. When teenagers reach adolescence, they begin to explore, want to be independent, and increase their freedom and confidence in handling their lives,” Nyende says.

Nyende says that when children reach this stage, they may not want their parents to escort them to school, a sign most parents tend to overlook and want to exert too much pressure and control.

He advises parents to give teens a chance to establish their own identity, because too much control could cause a rebellion, saying that giving them more independence is essential to helping them establish their own place in the world.

“Parents should avoid the use of too much force and expression of control, but should rather maintain friendship with their children,” he says, adding that being with friends with their children helps them to open up about the changes going on around them.

He however emphasizes that parents set reasonable rules and values about behavior.

“Do not negotiate over rules that have been set, and punish the children with love and explain to the children as to why they are being punished,” Nyende says.

Nyende says that at this stage, children also begin to explore the sexual world, and tend to relate with members of the opposite sex.

“They usually start with group dates and later begin to pair up. The best is for the parents to educate and inform the children about the dangers that could arise from such relationships,” he says.

Dr. Eugene Kinyanda, a Psychiatrist, says that if children needs for independence are ignored at home, their performance at school could be affected.

“Teachers must provide support and inquire into the behavior of the child. Try to dig out what the problem is and encourage them to talk about how they feel and why they feel that way,” he says.

He encourages teachers to coordinate with the parents about the child’s behavior, because the problem might be caused by the way they are treated at home.

“Academic achievement could be affected, if the cause the problem or bad behavior is family related,” Kinyanda says, adding that such problems lead to depression, frustration, causing loss of interest in academic achievement.

In cases where the child is not attended to, Nyende says they tend to look for solace from their peers, some of whom could be bad influence.

He advises teachers to avoid rushing to push these children, but rather engage them in healthy talks and career guidance.

Research shows that teenagers are at increased risk of poor mental health, antisocial behavior and risk taking behavior such as substance abuse.

This might be because of stronger emotional responses in adolescence, changes in motivation or difficulties in balancing emotions and behavior.

These activities can affect your child’s health later in life and can have long term effects. If you feel that your child’s behavior is more than just teenage moodiness, speak to them about your concerns.